Sunday, July 24, 2011
Gunna be worth it
Realized.. I don't believe it...
Gunna be worth it all.. ( i want to believe this)
Gunna be worth it all
Gunna be worth it all.. ( i want to believe this)
Gunna be worth it all
Friday, July 22, 2011
Flying with broken wings...
Not really sure why I named the blog this... Except that is how I feel.. Got a message from a friend of mine after reading my blog.. She saw a bird outside her window with a broken wing.. It tried to fly it kept falling... Just when she thought it couldn't fly it took off into the air. This is how I feel...
This is how we are living right now... There are moments where we get stuck.. and not a day goes by where there isn't a reminder that he is no longer with us. Still we continue to try to walk, breathe, live. Yet at times.. we fall splat onto the ground.. which is a reminder we are still healing.. we are still broken from the pain of this adventure.
A reminder that grief is a process of pain.. it takes time there's no short cut.. you just have to live through it.. dang.. if ever I wanted and EASY button. This would be the time.. could I just have the microwave version of grief. the Instant grief recovery just add water...
Instead we limp there are days we fake normal there are days we can't even begin to fake normal. Aleeya asked for the plates to smash with our feelings on them.. We are going today to a thrift store to buy some as a part of our grief project. Taking life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
This is how we are living right now... There are moments where we get stuck.. and not a day goes by where there isn't a reminder that he is no longer with us. Still we continue to try to walk, breathe, live. Yet at times.. we fall splat onto the ground.. which is a reminder we are still healing.. we are still broken from the pain of this adventure.
A reminder that grief is a process of pain.. it takes time there's no short cut.. you just have to live through it.. dang.. if ever I wanted and EASY button. This would be the time.. could I just have the microwave version of grief. the Instant grief recovery just add water...
Instead we limp there are days we fake normal there are days we can't even begin to fake normal. Aleeya asked for the plates to smash with our feelings on them.. We are going today to a thrift store to buy some as a part of our grief project. Taking life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Is this really my life? Finding a new normal
The other day.. I thought it has been a month since I have seen your sweet face, a week since I have heard your beautiful voice. Is this really my life?? I have read enough books and watched enough movies.. BUT to be the one facing the grief. Adjusting to a new normal. A new normal that makes me a mom of two girls at home minus one little boy. Doing things we did as a family.
Seems weird like we are forgetting someone. Sad realizing this is our new normal.
Sad when there is no one to steal my hershey's kisses with almonds... Wishing I could give you bags and bags of kisses. Sad when there is no little boy playing nerf guns in the backyard. Car rides are quiet without the J's giggling in the backseat. This has been such a roller coaster for the past six years. We have been grieving the dream of the "perfect adoption" story since day one. when things became crazy. We have grieved many times through this journey. Grieving when things became complicated. Grieving the two times when our adoption was revoked. knowing you would not "be our adopted son". Then rejoicing when we kept custody and you remained in our home.Thinking this was not the ideal situation but accepting what was. It was hard. It has been hard. I won't lie, I won't sugarcoat it. This has been a living hell. But we accepted this as our new normal. Happy that you were still in our lives. Willing to work with the disruptions of our lives with frequent trips to Kansas City. But the legal battle did not stop. We were weary but, what would you do for your child? Everything. He is our son and we did everything we could to do what is best for him...and now we face a life without him.
A new normal.
Taking it one day at a time.
Looking towards the future....
Learning to breathe
Learning to dream again
(soundtrack from our God is in Control)
This is not how we planned it..
This is not how it should be
But this is how it is, our God is in control.
Seems weird like we are forgetting someone. Sad realizing this is our new normal.
Sad when there is no one to steal my hershey's kisses with almonds... Wishing I could give you bags and bags of kisses. Sad when there is no little boy playing nerf guns in the backyard. Car rides are quiet without the J's giggling in the backseat. This has been such a roller coaster for the past six years. We have been grieving the dream of the "perfect adoption" story since day one. when things became crazy. We have grieved many times through this journey. Grieving when things became complicated. Grieving the two times when our adoption was revoked. knowing you would not "be our adopted son". Then rejoicing when we kept custody and you remained in our home.Thinking this was not the ideal situation but accepting what was. It was hard. It has been hard. I won't lie, I won't sugarcoat it. This has been a living hell. But we accepted this as our new normal. Happy that you were still in our lives. Willing to work with the disruptions of our lives with frequent trips to Kansas City. But the legal battle did not stop. We were weary but, what would you do for your child? Everything. He is our son and we did everything we could to do what is best for him...and now we face a life without him.
A new normal.
Taking it one day at a time.
Looking towards the future....
Learning to breathe
Learning to dream again
(soundtrack from our God is in Control)
This is not how we planned it..
This is not how it should be
But this is how it is, our God is in control.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The soundtrack in my mind
I don't know if anyone else can relate to this. But sometimes I have a soundtrack
going on in my mind. Maybe it is the songwriter in me, or maybe it is just the meloncholy side of my nature. But this past week these songs have been going on in my head.
So I posted them. Sometimes listening to them gets them out of my head other times.. They play over and over again..
going on in my mind. Maybe it is the songwriter in me, or maybe it is just the meloncholy side of my nature. But this past week these songs have been going on in my head.
So I posted them. Sometimes listening to them gets them out of my head other times.. They play over and over again..
Missin You
Your smile lights up a room
Like a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true
And missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopeful thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will
Cause missing you is just a part of living
And missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
Missing you is just a part of living
And missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
Like a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true
And missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopeful thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will
Cause missing you is just a part of living
And missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
Missing you is just a part of living
And missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine
Friday, June 17, 2011
How do you stop being a mom?
Six years of nurturing, protecting, loving... How do you stop being someone's mom?
Is being a mom based on a piece of paper that gives you legal rights to the title?
Is being a mom based on DNA.. that somehow having the same genetics makes you?
Or is being a mom more than that?.
How do you go from one day being responsible for someone's well being to the next day having no voice?
The courts and the birth family gave me that responsibility and for six years I have been Jared's mom..Now suddenly.. Jared no longer exists. And I am no longer his parent. Yet there is still a little boy out there missing his mommy. The one that dried away his tears, that sang him lullabies, that rocked him, that fed him, that took care of him, that taught him wrong from right, the one who helped shape him into the little boy he is today.
The ones that gave me that role have taken it away from me.
Still I wonder how my son is sleeping at night?
Who comforts him when there is a thunderstorm?
Who calms his fears, who is nurturing him? Is he sad?, is he anxious?
I have to put him constantly in God's hands. And trust that God is looking out for him.
and somehow switch from being a mom to three. To being a mom to two. Still someone is missing at the dinner table. Someone is missing in the yard playing with his sisters. Someone is missing giggling and playing silly games. Someone is missing every time I turn around...
Is being a mom based on a piece of paper that gives you legal rights to the title?
Is being a mom based on DNA.. that somehow having the same genetics makes you?
Or is being a mom more than that?.
How do you go from one day being responsible for someone's well being to the next day having no voice?
The courts and the birth family gave me that responsibility and for six years I have been Jared's mom..Now suddenly.. Jared no longer exists. And I am no longer his parent. Yet there is still a little boy out there missing his mommy. The one that dried away his tears, that sang him lullabies, that rocked him, that fed him, that took care of him, that taught him wrong from right, the one who helped shape him into the little boy he is today.
The ones that gave me that role have taken it away from me.
Still I wonder how my son is sleeping at night?
Who comforts him when there is a thunderstorm?
Who calms his fears, who is nurturing him? Is he sad?, is he anxious?
I have to put him constantly in God's hands. And trust that God is looking out for him.
and somehow switch from being a mom to three. To being a mom to two. Still someone is missing at the dinner table. Someone is missing in the yard playing with his sisters. Someone is missing giggling and playing silly games. Someone is missing every time I turn around...
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Finding my voice
After six years of being silenced.. After four years of being accused of having a blog.
Today... June 15, 2011 I have posted my first post.
I am a newbie to the blog world.. But not new to writing out this journey.
Everyone deserves a voice. Children have no voice...and apparently neither do adoptive parents according to the courts. For six years I have tried to be little man's voice.
We, stood and fought for him and now the legal battle is over.
The world would say we lost because our precious son is no longer in our home. But I know that life is but a vapor... I know that there will be a day when the time we are with him will be much longer than the time we are without him... For Eternity is a long time.
We were given six years with him. Six very hard years. This is my journey of healing of processing of grieving. The journey towards my destiny. I refuse to let THE ENEMY which is not the courts, which is not a birthfamily but a much more powerful force silence my voice. I refuse to let THE ENEMY win over my family, my marriage, my children, our destiny, our purpose in life.. For we are crushed, we are broken, we are battered from a six year battle.. the path of destruction like a tornado has come and left war torn shards in our lives.. This is a time to reach into the rubble and find the treasures, to heal, to rebuild.
Today... June 15, 2011 I have posted my first post.
I am a newbie to the blog world.. But not new to writing out this journey.
Everyone deserves a voice. Children have no voice...and apparently neither do adoptive parents according to the courts. For six years I have tried to be little man's voice.
We, stood and fought for him and now the legal battle is over.
The world would say we lost because our precious son is no longer in our home. But I know that life is but a vapor... I know that there will be a day when the time we are with him will be much longer than the time we are without him... For Eternity is a long time.
We were given six years with him. Six very hard years. This is my journey of healing of processing of grieving. The journey towards my destiny. I refuse to let THE ENEMY which is not the courts, which is not a birthfamily but a much more powerful force silence my voice. I refuse to let THE ENEMY win over my family, my marriage, my children, our destiny, our purpose in life.. For we are crushed, we are broken, we are battered from a six year battle.. the path of destruction like a tornado has come and left war torn shards in our lives.. This is a time to reach into the rubble and find the treasures, to heal, to rebuild.
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