For those who know me know that I often choose the hard path. I am a risk taker. I thrive on adventure. I get excited about change. I rearrange my furniture on a whim, I change my hair color. I am not afraid to take risks. If anything I have been very trusting. God's got this. We can do this. Lets GO! Living through the trial the journey and the loss of our son has left me questioning and uncertain, timid, scared and jaded. Like a bird with broken wings.
Flying with broken wings takes courage. Flying with broken wings takes therapy. Flying with broken wings takes healing. Flying with broken wings takes time. It is not like the first time when you jump into an adventure unaware of the dangers that lie ahead. It is not even the same process. Learning to fly with uninjured young strong wings is a whole other process. I wearily look at eager young birds and think they have NO IDEA what they are in for. BUT I do and still I am born to fly. willingly knowing the dangers. Willingly knowing the risks.
Learning to fly again. Learning to trust again. Learning to soar again.
I find that I have lived half hearted this past year or so. Afraid to completely jump into anything whole hearted. Afraid to be hurt again. Nurturing that injured wing.
God is gently calling me to step out again. It is a scary thought.
I am so grateful for those around me who have been patient with me in these past few years. I have been all over the map. Walking out grief has no clear path. I am thankful for God's patience and his timing. He has graciously given me time to heal. There have been a few times God has lovingly nudged me close to the edge and asked me if I am ready to jump. I have peered over the side of the nest panicked and ran scurrying to safety. There have been times I thought YES today is the day I am ready to fly.. Only to get to the edge peer over the side and be overcome with fear. I know there will come a day when God, in his mercy, will push me out of the nest
again, wether this injured little bird thinks she is ready or not. It
will be time to fly again. For God knows what is best for me. God knows I was born for adventure. I was born to fly. God knows how much time I need to heal and God knows when I am ready.
Of course it is not just me he will be sending out of the nest there are three other injured birdies. My husband and my two girls. Our broken wings are knit together in one tangled mess. He knows what stage all of us are on in our healing process. He knows when we can handle the journey and the adventure of flying again.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I am the other Mother
Mother's Day 2013
It has been a long time since I have felt the need to theraputically post something for all the world to see.
However Today is one of those days. Today is a hard day for many people. People who have lost a child, people who have lost a mother. Or people whose Mothers cannot parent them. I think of my sweet friend who is being raised by her grandmother. I know there is a sadness in her heart because her Mom cannot be the Mom this sweet girl needs her to be. I know that in spite of the excellent job her grandmother is doing raising her, it does not erase the ache in her heart. I think of my friend who is waiting for her first child through adoption. Years of waiting make this day hard. I think of another friend whose lost a child. Her role of Mother redefined as her precious son is now in Heaven and she has empty arms. And of course I think of Jared. I can't help thinking about being the "other mother" As an adoptive Mom. I respected the "other mother" for the gift she gave me. However I was leary of how to share this precious gift with her. As time went by I realized. Weither I wanted to or not. The Other Mother is apart of this child's life. Of course every child is different some children think often of their "other families" while some children may seldom think of their other families Child. But "the other family" is apart of who they are. Weither it is the family that raised them for the first several years of their life, or "the other family" is the birth family that shaped them through their DNA. The other family is apart of who they are. The other family has helped make them who they are. They think about her. They wonder why they can't be with her. They miss the thought of her. Sometimes this was unsettling as an adoptive mom. After all I was in the trenches doing the hard work. Changing the poopy diapers, dealing with the temper tantrums, cleaning up after the messes of life. However as life has changed and I have become the other Mother. I smile. Knowing somewhere there is a little boy who is celebrating with his family. I wonder if he thinks of me on this day. And I know with certainty he remembers the years we had together. And I now know with understanding how to encourage Adoptive Mothers. Not to be afraid of the "other Mother" as She is in their children's thoughts weither they have the courage to share this with their family or not.
I also know that the other mother thinks of her child. Some more often than others but. For me it comes in waves. A child who resembles Jared at Walmart. A song he loved to sing. A favorite toy of his. A memory.
I smile as I had a great opportunity this week to meet up with a friend of mine who was adopted at birth and has reconnected with her birthfamily. I sat outside with two sisters, an Aunt and a Mom. Separated by circumstances brought together once again. No they did not have the shared experience of being raised for the first eighteen years together. But they are reconnecting as family. I smile as I know that one day we will sit together and laugh and cry together. It may be ten years, it may be twenty years, it may be thirty years from now. But I know we are connected. Separated by circumstances.
It has been a long time since I have felt the need to theraputically post something for all the world to see.
However Today is one of those days. Today is a hard day for many people. People who have lost a child, people who have lost a mother. Or people whose Mothers cannot parent them. I think of my sweet friend who is being raised by her grandmother. I know there is a sadness in her heart because her Mom cannot be the Mom this sweet girl needs her to be. I know that in spite of the excellent job her grandmother is doing raising her, it does not erase the ache in her heart. I think of my friend who is waiting for her first child through adoption. Years of waiting make this day hard. I think of another friend whose lost a child. Her role of Mother redefined as her precious son is now in Heaven and she has empty arms. And of course I think of Jared. I can't help thinking about being the "other mother" As an adoptive Mom. I respected the "other mother" for the gift she gave me. However I was leary of how to share this precious gift with her. As time went by I realized. Weither I wanted to or not. The Other Mother is apart of this child's life. Of course every child is different some children think often of their "other families" while some children may seldom think of their other families Child. But "the other family" is apart of who they are. Weither it is the family that raised them for the first several years of their life, or "the other family" is the birth family that shaped them through their DNA. The other family is apart of who they are. The other family has helped make them who they are. They think about her. They wonder why they can't be with her. They miss the thought of her. Sometimes this was unsettling as an adoptive mom. After all I was in the trenches doing the hard work. Changing the poopy diapers, dealing with the temper tantrums, cleaning up after the messes of life. However as life has changed and I have become the other Mother. I smile. Knowing somewhere there is a little boy who is celebrating with his family. I wonder if he thinks of me on this day. And I know with certainty he remembers the years we had together. And I now know with understanding how to encourage Adoptive Mothers. Not to be afraid of the "other Mother" as She is in their children's thoughts weither they have the courage to share this with their family or not.
I also know that the other mother thinks of her child. Some more often than others but. For me it comes in waves. A child who resembles Jared at Walmart. A song he loved to sing. A favorite toy of his. A memory.
I smile as I had a great opportunity this week to meet up with a friend of mine who was adopted at birth and has reconnected with her birthfamily. I sat outside with two sisters, an Aunt and a Mom. Separated by circumstances brought together once again. No they did not have the shared experience of being raised for the first eighteen years together. But they are reconnecting as family. I smile as I know that one day we will sit together and laugh and cry together. It may be ten years, it may be twenty years, it may be thirty years from now. But I know we are connected. Separated by circumstances.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Gunna be worth it
Realized.. I don't believe it...
Gunna be worth it all.. ( i want to believe this)
Gunna be worth it all
Gunna be worth it all.. ( i want to believe this)
Gunna be worth it all
Friday, July 22, 2011
Flying with broken wings...
Not really sure why I named the blog this... Except that is how I feel.. Got a message from a friend of mine after reading my blog.. She saw a bird outside her window with a broken wing.. It tried to fly it kept falling... Just when she thought it couldn't fly it took off into the air. This is how I feel...
This is how we are living right now... There are moments where we get stuck.. and not a day goes by where there isn't a reminder that he is no longer with us. Still we continue to try to walk, breathe, live. Yet at times.. we fall splat onto the ground.. which is a reminder we are still healing.. we are still broken from the pain of this adventure.
A reminder that grief is a process of pain.. it takes time there's no short cut.. you just have to live through it.. dang.. if ever I wanted and EASY button. This would be the time.. could I just have the microwave version of grief. the Instant grief recovery just add water...
Instead we limp there are days we fake normal there are days we can't even begin to fake normal. Aleeya asked for the plates to smash with our feelings on them.. We are going today to a thrift store to buy some as a part of our grief project. Taking life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
This is how we are living right now... There are moments where we get stuck.. and not a day goes by where there isn't a reminder that he is no longer with us. Still we continue to try to walk, breathe, live. Yet at times.. we fall splat onto the ground.. which is a reminder we are still healing.. we are still broken from the pain of this adventure.
A reminder that grief is a process of pain.. it takes time there's no short cut.. you just have to live through it.. dang.. if ever I wanted and EASY button. This would be the time.. could I just have the microwave version of grief. the Instant grief recovery just add water...
Instead we limp there are days we fake normal there are days we can't even begin to fake normal. Aleeya asked for the plates to smash with our feelings on them.. We are going today to a thrift store to buy some as a part of our grief project. Taking life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Is this really my life? Finding a new normal
The other day.. I thought it has been a month since I have seen your sweet face, a week since I have heard your beautiful voice. Is this really my life?? I have read enough books and watched enough movies.. BUT to be the one facing the grief. Adjusting to a new normal. A new normal that makes me a mom of two girls at home minus one little boy. Doing things we did as a family.
Seems weird like we are forgetting someone. Sad realizing this is our new normal.
Sad when there is no one to steal my hershey's kisses with almonds... Wishing I could give you bags and bags of kisses. Sad when there is no little boy playing nerf guns in the backyard. Car rides are quiet without the J's giggling in the backseat. This has been such a roller coaster for the past six years. We have been grieving the dream of the "perfect adoption" story since day one. when things became crazy. We have grieved many times through this journey. Grieving when things became complicated. Grieving the two times when our adoption was revoked. knowing you would not "be our adopted son". Then rejoicing when we kept custody and you remained in our home.Thinking this was not the ideal situation but accepting what was. It was hard. It has been hard. I won't lie, I won't sugarcoat it. This has been a living hell. But we accepted this as our new normal. Happy that you were still in our lives. Willing to work with the disruptions of our lives with frequent trips to Kansas City. But the legal battle did not stop. We were weary but, what would you do for your child? Everything. He is our son and we did everything we could to do what is best for him...and now we face a life without him.
A new normal.
Taking it one day at a time.
Looking towards the future....
Learning to breathe
Learning to dream again
(soundtrack from our God is in Control)
This is not how we planned it..
This is not how it should be
But this is how it is, our God is in control.
Seems weird like we are forgetting someone. Sad realizing this is our new normal.
Sad when there is no one to steal my hershey's kisses with almonds... Wishing I could give you bags and bags of kisses. Sad when there is no little boy playing nerf guns in the backyard. Car rides are quiet without the J's giggling in the backseat. This has been such a roller coaster for the past six years. We have been grieving the dream of the "perfect adoption" story since day one. when things became crazy. We have grieved many times through this journey. Grieving when things became complicated. Grieving the two times when our adoption was revoked. knowing you would not "be our adopted son". Then rejoicing when we kept custody and you remained in our home.Thinking this was not the ideal situation but accepting what was. It was hard. It has been hard. I won't lie, I won't sugarcoat it. This has been a living hell. But we accepted this as our new normal. Happy that you were still in our lives. Willing to work with the disruptions of our lives with frequent trips to Kansas City. But the legal battle did not stop. We were weary but, what would you do for your child? Everything. He is our son and we did everything we could to do what is best for him...and now we face a life without him.
A new normal.
Taking it one day at a time.
Looking towards the future....
Learning to breathe
Learning to dream again
(soundtrack from our God is in Control)
This is not how we planned it..
This is not how it should be
But this is how it is, our God is in control.
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